It's the New Year, I've been thinking

Reader's it’s the New Year I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Err; mm I’ve been doing some thinking during Christmas. I will tell St. John I’ll be his wife, and then run away. But where would I go. Back to Thornfield? Possibly, except how would I explain all of this to Edward? St. John and I have different expectations. Readers you and I know Edward is the only man in my heart. Last year it was only Bessie I could call family, do you remember reader. She was the only one there for me in the Reed family.

Mm I am very grateful that I found Diana, Georgiana and St. John, they have handled me with such safekeeping, care and devotion. I have had thoughts strong thoughts of leaving St. John, I’ve even thought of praying to God to make his health poor, so that he cannot go to India. Am I being selfish, do I sound self centred? I don’t want to sound unsweetened and bitter like Mrs Reed. Readers it may be possible that St. John and I will never see eye to eye. The truth is there is no love there; all I want is to be loved. I and St. John are different people, and we do not share the same dream. His heart is unyielding, mine is as free as a birds and tender as a leaf. However I and St. John do both care for the Diana and Georgiana. We also equally admire each other. Maybe I admire him more. More over it’s still complicated. Readers please write back soon...